· The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

· I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

· I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.

· I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

· I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

· I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

· I will not throw up in the car.

· I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

· I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.

· I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the back yard after processing.

· I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.

· I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

· When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

· We do not have a doorbell.

· I will not bark each time I hear one on television.

· I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with them.

· The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

· My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

· I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

· I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

· I will not roll around in the dirt right after getting a bath.

· Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'

· I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.

The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.